Fasting from Facebook!

Today I decided that I spend far too much time on Facebook, so I promised myself that I will not go on FB for a week. I'm hoping that in the absence of Facebook I will find many other tasks to do in my spare time. Things such as working out, swimming, and hanging out with friends & family. This disconnect from my virtual life should be quite relaxing and maybe I'll have time to sit back and read a good book.

But the saddest thing about me fasting from FB is me now sitting here on blogger.com. So I guess I should not be in front of this computer anymore for my fasting period.

I promise i will have lots to talk about next week!

Im Back!!!

So I havent blogged in forever and the reasoning for that is that I became too consumed in someone elses life. And Im finally realizing this because I have started to move on. And it's very ironic because I started this blogg when I first met him and at that time I felt like it was a perfect disaster (but for many different reasons) and I was so right. It's amazing the things one ignores to be with the one they love so much, but when i now look back it was never worth my loosing myself to be with another. Well, what I have learned is that a little compromise is ok, but dont wash yourself out and loose who you are. Thats the mistake that I made I washed myself out and lost touch of all the things that I love and that make me, me. I have been working on finding myself again and truly miss the old me and hopefully I will be back soon.

So as this disaster comes to an end im sure that there will be more to follow, but hopefully not as intense or extreme, and much less frequent. Disasters are not always bad they teach you valuable lessons and make you truly appreciate the smaller things in life. They alse give you the opportunity to start over.

Drunken Depression . . .

Today I was ready to just give up on everything and move back to Rochester. What should I do? Should I stay or should I go now? I can't keep living like this. Worrying all the time and thinking more than I ever have. Someone's gotta see the smoke signals in Syracuse. I have it all and nothing at the same time. I love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life, but it would be very easy to move back to Rochester and forget about my worries here in Syracuse. But what would I do back in Rochester, sit at home with my pathetic family??? Go back to school so I dont have to stress about money and my future. On the other hand I have two jobs in Syracuse, one of which I have worked at for 3 days and the other that I havent even started yet. I just cant up and leave. I love him so much and can't quit a job even before I start working there.

Why is my life so FUCKED up???

I have never been so happy or in love my whole life, but I cant keep huting myself like this. Everything about him is perfect I just have to learn to TRUST in him! I have never had trust issues before, usually I am the one that is not trusted, but what is so crazy is that I have been blatently honest and addressed issues when they arise.

Sometimes I wish that I would have never went to Rain on that crazy fun night. Not going would have changed everything. I would still be enrolled in school and not a college drop out in his senior year. But I guess everything happens for a reason and hopefully everything will work out in the end.

I have never been as mad as I have been today. I know I was an asshole and had alot of my shit packed up to go back to Rochester this morning. Then he came home and talked to me and I felt like a huge idiot that over reacted about everything. I just hope I really over reacted. But I can't even think correctly about things right now becuase I have been drinking by myself all night trying to forget about my worries. And as you can see drinking my worries away hasn't been working too well because I'm sitting on my computer thinking about everything.

So how do I get over my trust issues? Do I really have trust issues? Are my thoughts legit? Who really knows? I am probably some crazy over the top flaming faggot that worries too much about everything. I have been thinking that once I start both my jobs I wont be thinking about things so much and everything will settle. I Sure hope that I am right about that because I have been so stressed about everything going on.

On the other hand I have tried several times to quit smoking and have had absolutely no luck trying. The first time I tried to quit I was a complete ass hole and he was so great dealing with me being an asshole. He is so understanding and really loves me. Where else could I find someone who cares so much about me and is willing to deal with all of my crazyness. But in my defense I am not normally a crazy person like this. I usually have it all together and get mad very rarely. Lateley I have been getting mad alot and I hate that. I need to get some stability in my life. Hopefully once I start getting steady paychecks I wont be stressing about money and my mind on work and when my next day off is and when I can spend time with the man of my dreams.

He is everything that I could ever dream of and more. He is Beautiful and really cares about me. What more could I ask for? Never in my life have i felt the way that I do about him. Hopefully I will resolve my trust issues and we will live happily ever after, even though I know that there will be bumps along that road.

Here I am thinking so far into the future when we have been offical boyfriends for just a month. But the problem is that I can see myself with him for the rest of my life and I am so happy when I am with him, We dont have to do anything special. Whether it's watching TV, smoking on the front porch and laying in bed watching him fall asleep. He makes me so happy and he would do anything for me. I think I just have to get over my trust issues and follow my heart. I am just affraid of being a passer by and being a name is someone's past. I am ready to settle down and spend the rest of my life with that someone special. And I truly believe that he is that someone special. I know people spend many years looking for that someone special and how can I be certain that I am with that someone special? I am certain because I can look into his eyes and get lost in them. He doesn't even have to say a word and he just makes me smile. One of my close friends has told me that my whole ora has changed since I have been with him. I know I am a happier person and that is something that I dont want to give up. Someone who makes me truly happy. I dont have a clue what direction my life is going in the "career" area but that doesn't even matter to me right now. I would be perfectly happy working at Wal-mart for the rest of my life so I could spend it with him.

Christmas spirit. . .

Until tonight I havent been in the Christmas mood. This could be because I have been bogged down with many other things going on, but it could also be that this looks like it's going to be my first christmas being single in about 6 years.

But tonight all of that changed I went shopping for christmas decorations with Bekki, and Lauren and let me tell you what a blast. My car was jam packed with christmas decorations and we were hopping from store to store for several hours looking for just the right stuff. We got back to Bekki's place around 11 and deocorated until everything was done. What a blast, we even listened to a little christmas music in the car on one of our many drive-thru trips today.

So being with people you love really helps you get into the christmas spirit. So now that Bekki's house is all decorated I have some motivation to finish up my decorating and start enjoying the holiday season.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!


I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is... You

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you You baby

I won't ask for much this Christmas
I don't even wish for snow
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeers click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you Ooh baby

All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need
Won't you please bring my baby to me...

Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is... You
All I want for Christmas is you... baby

-Marial Carey, All I Want for Christmas

So Right, But So Wrong!

So everything seems to be going so right in my social life and I have met so many new amazing people. I feel like a social butterfly. I have been traveling to Syracuse every weekend to see my best friend and a police officer that I have been talking to for some time now. He had an amazing Christmas party at his house on Saturday and we had so much fun. I was only supposed to be in Syracuse until Sunday, but I am still here because I have just fallen for this cop. I would do anything to be around him all the time. I have never felt this way about anyone before. I am willing to give up everything that I have established in Brockport. This is so bad because I have only known him for a month, and I have such strong feelings for him. So what's a boy to do???? Well I have been blantently honest and given it my all. I guess thats the best that I can do. I am completely obsessed with everything about him. From his personality to his looks, to his house. Everything about him just seems perfect. The downfall is that he already has someone else in his life and that makes for a very complicated situation. I have meet that other indivudal several times and he is a great guy. I dont want to be a homewrecker but I cant see myself with anyone else. I find my self constantly thinking about him and wanting to be with him. I know many people would advise me to just move on and get out of the complex situation, but I just cant do it. I'm in too deep and dont know if I could settle for anything less.

Here I am sitting up, talking about him becasue I cannot sleep. I should be focused on school right now because it's finals week, and I'm not even in Brockport and I could give two shits about school right now. Wow way too much going on. This will be my first weekend in Brockport for quite some time and I'm not sure what's going on after this weekend. I know that I will be back in Syracuse for New Years, but after this week I dont have any commitments until January 26th. No work, no school, just play. This will be the first time in my life that I dont have anything to do for more than a month. Yea I'll be broke as hell, but you only live once and I need a break from some of the crazyness. Hopefully I will be in Syracuse for most of my break getting to know that special someone better.

So Complicated!

Recently I have been in a complicated relationship, and this past weekend we have gotten so close and I realized that I have fallen for this person. Only to be terrified of getting hurt by this individual. I have spent lots of time pondering the situation and still cannot come to a conclusion about our relationship. Should I just end it and get over it? Should I just stick with it and see what becomes of it? If I end it then i will be wondering what could have become of this relationship for the rest of my life, but on the other hand if I stick with it for now, someone could get hurt.

I don't usually think about things so much, but when you realize how much you care about a person after such a short period of time; what should be done? Whatever decision I make I know that it will just be the beginning of a intricate web that I am weaving.

I just have to decide what i really want and run the risk of regret and or heartbreak!

Perfect Disaster

Have you ever felt like everything seems so right but so wrong at the same time?

In my life when everything seems to be going just right a moment later things come crashing down and complicate matters to the point where I would love to give up. But to give up means that I don't want to work on the situation and make it better. But all my life I have been taught to work on my problems and make the best of what I've got.

Should I give up? Should I try something new or different? Should I just settle for something less? But why should I be the one to settle for something less? Why should I give up something that I want? Why should I give up something that is different?

No one really knows the answer, we are all just wandering around tyring to figure it out. Some settle for less, some think they've got it all, some live a lie, and some never find what they were really looking for. I'm on a crazy roller coaster that won't slow down. It's like a love story with the ending torn out.

How come what I have is never good enough?

I have spread my wings to fly to only see that I keep falling into disappointment. I have almost everything that I could ever need or want. But I just feel that there's gotta be something more.

Hopefully there's something more!


I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Trippin' out thinkin' there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... There's gotta be more

(Than wanting more)

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half-way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

I'm wanting more

I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed....
Always... Always...

More to life
There's gotta be more to life (more to life)
There's gotta be more to life (more)
More to my life

-More to Life By Stacie Orrico