Drunken Depression . . .

Today I was ready to just give up on everything and move back to Rochester. What should I do? Should I stay or should I go now? I can't keep living like this. Worrying all the time and thinking more than I ever have. Someone's gotta see the smoke signals in Syracuse. I have it all and nothing at the same time. I love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life, but it would be very easy to move back to Rochester and forget about my worries here in Syracuse. But what would I do back in Rochester, sit at home with my pathetic family??? Go back to school so I dont have to stress about money and my future. On the other hand I have two jobs in Syracuse, one of which I have worked at for 3 days and the other that I havent even started yet. I just cant up and leave. I love him so much and can't quit a job even before I start working there.

Why is my life so FUCKED up???

I have never been so happy or in love my whole life, but I cant keep huting myself like this. Everything about him is perfect I just have to learn to TRUST in him! I have never had trust issues before, usually I am the one that is not trusted, but what is so crazy is that I have been blatently honest and addressed issues when they arise.

Sometimes I wish that I would have never went to Rain on that crazy fun night. Not going would have changed everything. I would still be enrolled in school and not a college drop out in his senior year. But I guess everything happens for a reason and hopefully everything will work out in the end.

I have never been as mad as I have been today. I know I was an asshole and had alot of my shit packed up to go back to Rochester this morning. Then he came home and talked to me and I felt like a huge idiot that over reacted about everything. I just hope I really over reacted. But I can't even think correctly about things right now becuase I have been drinking by myself all night trying to forget about my worries. And as you can see drinking my worries away hasn't been working too well because I'm sitting on my computer thinking about everything.

So how do I get over my trust issues? Do I really have trust issues? Are my thoughts legit? Who really knows? I am probably some crazy over the top flaming faggot that worries too much about everything. I have been thinking that once I start both my jobs I wont be thinking about things so much and everything will settle. I Sure hope that I am right about that because I have been so stressed about everything going on.

On the other hand I have tried several times to quit smoking and have had absolutely no luck trying. The first time I tried to quit I was a complete ass hole and he was so great dealing with me being an asshole. He is so understanding and really loves me. Where else could I find someone who cares so much about me and is willing to deal with all of my crazyness. But in my defense I am not normally a crazy person like this. I usually have it all together and get mad very rarely. Lateley I have been getting mad alot and I hate that. I need to get some stability in my life. Hopefully once I start getting steady paychecks I wont be stressing about money and my mind on work and when my next day off is and when I can spend time with the man of my dreams.

He is everything that I could ever dream of and more. He is Beautiful and really cares about me. What more could I ask for? Never in my life have i felt the way that I do about him. Hopefully I will resolve my trust issues and we will live happily ever after, even though I know that there will be bumps along that road.

Here I am thinking so far into the future when we have been offical boyfriends for just a month. But the problem is that I can see myself with him for the rest of my life and I am so happy when I am with him, We dont have to do anything special. Whether it's watching TV, smoking on the front porch and laying in bed watching him fall asleep. He makes me so happy and he would do anything for me. I think I just have to get over my trust issues and follow my heart. I am just affraid of being a passer by and being a name is someone's past. I am ready to settle down and spend the rest of my life with that someone special. And I truly believe that he is that someone special. I know people spend many years looking for that someone special and how can I be certain that I am with that someone special? I am certain because I can look into his eyes and get lost in them. He doesn't even have to say a word and he just makes me smile. One of my close friends has told me that my whole ora has changed since I have been with him. I know I am a happier person and that is something that I dont want to give up. Someone who makes me truly happy. I dont have a clue what direction my life is going in the "career" area but that doesn't even matter to me right now. I would be perfectly happy working at Wal-mart for the rest of my life so I could spend it with him.