Christmas spirit. . .

Until tonight I havent been in the Christmas mood. This could be because I have been bogged down with many other things going on, but it could also be that this looks like it's going to be my first christmas being single in about 6 years.

But tonight all of that changed I went shopping for christmas decorations with Bekki, and Lauren and let me tell you what a blast. My car was jam packed with christmas decorations and we were hopping from store to store for several hours looking for just the right stuff. We got back to Bekki's place around 11 and deocorated until everything was done. What a blast, we even listened to a little christmas music in the car on one of our many drive-thru trips today.

So being with people you love really helps you get into the christmas spirit. So now that Bekki's house is all decorated I have some motivation to finish up my decorating and start enjoying the holiday season.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!


I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is... You

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you You baby

I won't ask for much this Christmas
I don't even wish for snow
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeers click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you Ooh baby

All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need
Won't you please bring my baby to me...

Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is... You
All I want for Christmas is you... baby

-Marial Carey, All I Want for Christmas

So Right, But So Wrong!

So everything seems to be going so right in my social life and I have met so many new amazing people. I feel like a social butterfly. I have been traveling to Syracuse every weekend to see my best friend and a police officer that I have been talking to for some time now. He had an amazing Christmas party at his house on Saturday and we had so much fun. I was only supposed to be in Syracuse until Sunday, but I am still here because I have just fallen for this cop. I would do anything to be around him all the time. I have never felt this way about anyone before. I am willing to give up everything that I have established in Brockport. This is so bad because I have only known him for a month, and I have such strong feelings for him. So what's a boy to do???? Well I have been blantently honest and given it my all. I guess thats the best that I can do. I am completely obsessed with everything about him. From his personality to his looks, to his house. Everything about him just seems perfect. The downfall is that he already has someone else in his life and that makes for a very complicated situation. I have meet that other indivudal several times and he is a great guy. I dont want to be a homewrecker but I cant see myself with anyone else. I find my self constantly thinking about him and wanting to be with him. I know many people would advise me to just move on and get out of the complex situation, but I just cant do it. I'm in too deep and dont know if I could settle for anything less.

Here I am sitting up, talking about him becasue I cannot sleep. I should be focused on school right now because it's finals week, and I'm not even in Brockport and I could give two shits about school right now. Wow way too much going on. This will be my first weekend in Brockport for quite some time and I'm not sure what's going on after this weekend. I know that I will be back in Syracuse for New Years, but after this week I dont have any commitments until January 26th. No work, no school, just play. This will be the first time in my life that I dont have anything to do for more than a month. Yea I'll be broke as hell, but you only live once and I need a break from some of the crazyness. Hopefully I will be in Syracuse for most of my break getting to know that special someone better.

So Complicated!

Recently I have been in a complicated relationship, and this past weekend we have gotten so close and I realized that I have fallen for this person. Only to be terrified of getting hurt by this individual. I have spent lots of time pondering the situation and still cannot come to a conclusion about our relationship. Should I just end it and get over it? Should I just stick with it and see what becomes of it? If I end it then i will be wondering what could have become of this relationship for the rest of my life, but on the other hand if I stick with it for now, someone could get hurt.

I don't usually think about things so much, but when you realize how much you care about a person after such a short period of time; what should be done? Whatever decision I make I know that it will just be the beginning of a intricate web that I am weaving.

I just have to decide what i really want and run the risk of regret and or heartbreak!

Perfect Disaster

Have you ever felt like everything seems so right but so wrong at the same time?

In my life when everything seems to be going just right a moment later things come crashing down and complicate matters to the point where I would love to give up. But to give up means that I don't want to work on the situation and make it better. But all my life I have been taught to work on my problems and make the best of what I've got.

Should I give up? Should I try something new or different? Should I just settle for something less? But why should I be the one to settle for something less? Why should I give up something that I want? Why should I give up something that is different?

No one really knows the answer, we are all just wandering around tyring to figure it out. Some settle for less, some think they've got it all, some live a lie, and some never find what they were really looking for. I'm on a crazy roller coaster that won't slow down. It's like a love story with the ending torn out.

How come what I have is never good enough?

I have spread my wings to fly to only see that I keep falling into disappointment. I have almost everything that I could ever need or want. But I just feel that there's gotta be something more.

Hopefully there's something more!


I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Trippin' out thinkin' there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... There's gotta be more

(Than wanting more)

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half-way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

I'm wanting more

I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed....
Always... Always...

More to life
There's gotta be more to life (more to life)
There's gotta be more to life (more)
More to my life

-More to Life By Stacie Orrico

Inspiration

My whole life I have been taught to make people happy first and put my self second. Just recently I have realized that it is pointless to put my self second because the only person in this world that can ultimately make happy everyday is myself. I realized this last weekend when I was at a NOW conference in Seneca Falls, NY. I met this amazing woman that just has a zest for life. I refer to her as my "Life Coach" because she has guided me so much in such a short time. In the first five minutes that I met her she had me all figured out and she confronted me on being a "people pleaser" and apologizing all of the time.

I never thought that I was a people pleaser I just thought that I was a very polite individual. But after meeting my Life Coach I learned so much about my self. I learned that life should be about setting goals and being successful but ultimately life should be about doing what makes ME truly happy. So I have pondered what makes me truly happy and I have discovered that being with my friends and family make me happiest, but I also found that doing things for people also makes me very happy. Other things that make me very happy are music and dancing, even though I cannot sing or dance well. But as long as I am happy singing and dancing I shouldn’t care about what others think because I am truly happy when I sing and dance.

So after a very relaxed conversation with my Life Coach she realized that I say "I'm Sorry" way too much. She taught me that one should only apologize when they feel bad and truly feel sorry about something that they did. She explained to me that people throw around the term "I'm Sorry" way too much, and don't really mean sorry when they say it. Which I am definitely guilty of, and it is a very difficulty habit for me to break. I apologize for everything, even things that I cannot control, but why? Because my parents raised me to be a people pleaser. Not that that’s a bad thing, I could have had parents that didn't raise me at all. But apologizing all of the time for things that you cannot control gets you nowhere.

So how could one person that I met less than a week ago and spent only two days with change my life so much? By actually being a friend and listening to what I had to say. My Life Coach is one of the first people that I have come out to, I thought that it was going to be so difficult but with someone so open and understanding it was one of the easiest things that I have ever done. After I came out to my Life Coach I also came out to everyone at the conference and there was a great weight lifted off of my shoulders. And this was one of the best weekends that I had in a long time because I didn’t have to worry about pleasing anyone and I could finally be myself.

So my advice for everyone is to make your self happy. Be honest with your self and follow your heart. It makes no sense to be a "People Pleaser" if you cannot make your self happy first. Remember that you are the most important person in your life, and your life can be anything that you can dream it to be. So live everyday to the fullest and only say "Sorry" when you truly mean it.